What up, the Internet. I have been a truly woeful journaler for the last year, I am painfully aware, but I'm determined to start fixing this now.
No guarantees, however.
SO. Right. Have some things.
1. THERAPY. Basically, okay, I've not been in the best place for around a year or so and around March last year I finally got my Doctor into a place where she wondered aloud if I was suffering from depression. She makes me get regular appointments (I have one on Wednesday actually) and refers me to NHS psychology and we wait.
And wait some more.
When I see her in November it's with the knowledge that I'm hovering around 5th on the waiting list. She has the knowledge that there's a way she can sort of skip the list and get me emergency therapy of a sort. The week after Christmas I finally get a phone call from someone and a meeting is set up for January. Long and short of it is - I am currently completing an online CBT course called Beating The Blues, having weekly phone appointments to talk about my progress and slowly getting into a process of health.
My CBT lady has junked the psych referral in favour of getting me straight into full-blown CBT when I've finished my time with her. Which is basically a weight off my mind.
I am up and down (my graph so far proves that) and this is making me think about myself in a way that I don't normally for fear of getting trapped in a bad loop. I'm learning tools, however, that'll hopefully help me in future. Week three has been a good week (and I know why thanks to my Activity Schedule!) and I'm hoping week four is one too.
2. Here is why this has been a good week - as you know, I posted fic last week! And people read it and said nice things to me and I'm all full up of joy from it. Putting aside Yuletide A Sense Of Touch is the first story I've written because I want to read it since August last year. I've had a lot of ideas (A LOT) in the intervening period but I've had such an awful time doing something with those ideas.
One of my three goals in this therapy is figuring out why I've been having such difficulties with writing (considering how prolific '09 was, for example)
and hoping it's not as The Boy related as I suspect and figuring out how to fix that.
It shouldn't be at all surprising that Eternal Law boosted me back into writing. It's basically epic fandom bait with all the angst and ambiguous sexuality and endless touching and angels and vague Good Omens-y vibes and Richard 'epic troll' Pembroke. It's from Matthew Graham and Ashley Pharoah, who together brought my first fandom into life (Life On Mars, for those playing along at home), and it's a Kudos production on the scale of early angst-free Hustle. It's funny and the cases always feel pasted on but I genuinely do not care when I have such a group of hotass and talented actors to watch being hotass and talented at.
Which brings us to:
3. Tobias Menzies. My second favourite 'Toby' after Toby Stephens (naturally). Tobias Menzies and his wonderful sneering, sharp performance of Richard (technically the bad guy but in my heart of hearts he'll always be Chaotic Neutral at worst) lighting up my TV screen and my life.
My thing with Mr Menzies starts with Rome. Flawed though it was Rome had multiple terrific performances by some of Britain's finest actors. Tobias as Brutus is one of the very best. I've always had something of thing of RL!Brutus and most actors who play him receive my ever-lasting love in exchange (that means you, David Franklin ♥) but I think that Tobias may have killed me dead the worst. Rome's Brutus is conflicted and torn man - trapped between what he believes is right for the Republic, his love for Caesar ("Like a father you were to me!"), his mother's will, his family name (one of his ancestors was also a tryannicide, hence the importance of he being amongst the assassins) and his own feelings - and Tobias plays out every one of these nuances to perfection.
My Gods. There's a moment after they murder Caesar in the Senate where he drops to the floor and fairly howls with grief (just after this beautifully realised scene where Antony finally makes his way inside to see what they have done, he looks and Brutus and they share this moment and Antony nods very slightly and leaves and without Purefoy or Tobias saying a word you know everything they are thinking) which quite rips my heart in two.
I'm watching the series again at the moment, finally getting around to the BluRay boxset I got 3 Hogswatches ago, and have just watched that episode. I wonder if my neighbours are tired of hearing me whimpering Brutus (and sometimes Antony or Vorenus, my favourites, and a lot of Pullo during the last couple of episodes) yet? I still have plenty of angst and sadface to get through - and I know there will be tears towards the end.
And, funnily enough, if my CBT Lady asks me why I think this week has been better Rome is one of the reasons I will describe - because despite the way I keep making grabby hands at the screen and the way my heart is broken at least once an episode, it's truly filled me up with pleasure.
3. TV What I Am Watching
In case anyone cares what I'm watching that's actually currently airing: White Collar (JUST MAKE THE OT3 CANON ALREADY, JEEZ), House (MORE PARK, LESS ADAMS, ALL THE CHASE, ALL THE WILSON), Glee (OH GODS WHY), REVEEEEEEEENGE (NOLAN BE MINE), Once Upon A Time (GINNIFER GOODWIN YOU ARE MY FAVOURITE), Lost Girl (HNNG), The Good Wife (BASICALLY THE BEST SHOW ON US TV), How I Met Your Mother (JUST LET US MEET THE MOTHER IT WON'T DESTROY THE SHOW), 2 Broke Girls (MORE GIRLS LESS RACISM), New Girl (BEST NEW US SITCOM), Castle (WORST WILL-THEY-WON'T-THEY EVER), 20 Rock (KEEP BEING REFRESHING), Fringe (OLIVIAAAAAAAA), Supernatural (OH, BOYS), Star Wars: The Clone Wars (JUST ALL OF IT, EVEN THE DROID EPISODES).
I'm eagerly awaiting Smash (MMM, JACK DAVENPORT) and Awake (MMM JASON ISAACS) starting. The return of Psych and Fairly Legal in March.
And on this side of the pond: Skins (NOOOOOOOOOO), Eternal Law (BE MINE FOREVER RICHARD), Whitechapel (HNNG, RPJ), Stella (I LOVE EVERYONE IN THIS SHOW) and very soon the return of Being Human (LFDGSGA;ERBSKJDFA).
Sometimes, when I look at it like that, I sort of hate how much US TV I watch? But then I remember it's because UK TV spreads itself (and its quality) throughout the year. I mean - there's more The Hour and Luther and Dirk Gently and Spy to look forwards to, and Gods know what else will show up that I don't know about and then flail at people for not telling me about. The Shakespeare Season, for example, which I cannot even deal with, tbh, it's so full of amazing people.
4. A Thing What I Am Excited About
Is it Avengers time yet? I am currently planning on booking April 27th (release date in the UK) off from work so that I can go to the first available session. Then again late on in the day with whoever from my family wants to feast on the awesome.
I am so muddled up with FEELS about this movie all of the sudden. Along with the suddenly suggested worry by a friend of mine of WHAT IF TONY AND STEVE DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE THE CHEMISTRY? (I swear, the movies are the only place I will ever be able to ship Tony/Steve properly - I am still not over Civil War, Marvel) I'm suddenly randomly nervous that it'll be terrible. Which is ridiculous because Joss Whedon is totally safe pair of hands for this franchise - he knows his onions Marvel-wise and he already has experience of ensemble film making - but I can't help myself.
Marvel keeps releasing tidbits about its future slate (Iron Man 3, WITH SHANE BLACK, 2013 and I believe Cap 2 is assumed for 2014 along with Thor 2 if they ever sort a director out - but also the possibility of a solo Nick Fury film and a Doctor Strange film (which could be totally awesome with the right director/script combo) and there's still Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish's Ant-Man floating about somewhere and that's just the Marvel Studios* stuff) and I'm all aflail with excitement. But Avengers is a massive gamble and if it doesn't work we mightn't get all those other awesome things.
Which would suck massively. MASSIVELY.
I don't even know any more, folks. This is ridiculous.
*I mean, that's without the news that Matthew Vaughan is confirmed for First Class 2 which means it's definitely happening which means more mutants soon! Or the fact that I keep forgetting Amazing Spider-Man is a thing what is happening. Or that The Wolverine is still out there, somewhere, waiting for a director. Or that Rob Liefeld (urgh, LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEFELD *shakes fist*) has suggested that there exists test footage for the long mooted Deadpool movie.
5. Speaking of Marvel - I'm finally back on track with comic books, having disposable income at last, and the amounts of evens I cannot will never be able to be textually rendered.
I'm not going to bore you with a billion words on how Laura Kinney is basically my favourite ever and I'm so afraid of Marjorie Liu not writing her any more, or how much I love that Wolverine has started a school, or the fact that Keiron Gillen (formerly of PC Gamer) is kicking ass on Uncanny X-Men AND made Pixie Welsh, or how Hickman is a massive bastard for the year of hell he put me through re: Johnny Storm, or what I am even supposed to do with the current Madrox arc in David's X-Factor, or WTF 'DEAD' means as a name for a Deadpool book. Just know that the feels the I have about ALL OF THAT are epic and ridiculous.
6. That should be it for now, tbh, as it's almost 3 am and I'm going to watch the first ep of Rome S2 before sleeptimes.
Hopefully I shall be back within the week to talk about more ~things and maybe even with some level of coherency!